Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Good Vibrations

Is owning a vibrator still considered kinky? Seems like everyone has a vibrator or dildo these days. Since all the kinkster sites always have a ton of vibrator reviews I'm going to say yes. I for one am always surprised when someone says they don't have one.

After I started having issues with silicone and latex I asked a girlfriend what kind of material hers was made out of. She said she used to have one but she's been completely organic for years. I didn't know there was a granola mode of masturbation. 

Recently a different girlfriend texted me, I think my new roommate can hear my vibrator, but I can't ask him. He locks his room whether he's home or not. How am I going to find out if he can hear it in his room?

I told her whatever possible creepy reason he's locking his door probably trumps her rubbing one out every night, but this got me thinking about some of the humorous trials and tribulations my friends and I have encountered with vibrators.

Can My Neighbor Hear My Vibrator?

I live in an area of old brick houses with thin windows. All the houses are spaced with about fifteen feet apart. Our bedroom is positioned across from our neighbors kitchen windows and their upstairs office. Our neighbor often works from home and leans out his office window to smoke.

I was never concerned he could hear us having sex until one day when my husband had a day off during the week and my son was in school. We of course took full advantage of the situation. After what I can only describe as a 'wild romp', that left me hoarse, I became aware I could hear my neighbor talking on his phone while he hung out his window smoking. Gasp

I still held hope he hadn't heard us. He was outside but we were inside with the windows firmly closed.

Taking the dogs out in the back yard, later that week, while my son was playing in his room dissuaded me of that notion. If I could hear my kid yelling at the imaginary foes his army guys were fighting, then our neighbors definitely could hear us.

The damage was done. When that happened we'd already lived here for a year and had sex plenty of other times. So our neighbors know we have an active healthy sex life. Shrug They still invite us to BBQs so obviously they didn't mind....

Having our neighbors know we are having sex is a little different than our neighbors knowing we are having kinky sex. I was already mortified they could probably hear me getting my ass slapped, I pray they can't hear the dirty talk. Now, Oh God, could they hear my vibrator?

I've had one sex toy or another since I was eighteen. I hadn't however had a battery operated sex toy since my son was born. Having a child changed my lady parts tolerance to certain rubber materials. I replaced my toys with glass and glass toys rarely have vibes.

About a year ago I got to the point I really wanted a vibrator again.

I rushed out and found one compatible with my tiddly bits and popped in the batteries. This thing sounded ten times louder at home than at the store. I was positive the entire neighborhood could hear this thing.

I left it in my room walking around the inside of my house. I could hear it from every room. I of course rushed outside and if anyone glanced down my driveway or walked by the back of my house they would have seen me with my ear pressed up against my window.

I have since listened from many locations, on three separate occasions, just to be sure. There are always people mowing lawns or doing some kind of building of things with hammers and electric saws. Of course I can't hear it. Then I noticed every time I want to use it the only thing that can be heard is the melodic chirping  of birds and of course the loud hum of my vibrator.

It's giving me a complex.

I hear vibrators

If that weren't bad enough my husband thinks nothing of it. He brings it out and uses it on me carte blanche. I'm one of those people that gets hazy when completely aroused. I don't notice the world around me until afterwards when I can hear things like my neighbors talking outside in their backyard. Then I want to dig a hole and hide.

I guess this is a sign I'm not an exhibitionist, but I think my husband is because the frequency of our sexcapades have increased quite a bit since he discovered our neighbors can probably hear us. Groan Together eleven years and I'm still discovering new things about him everyday.

* * * *

Like any electronic devise vibrators can go haywire. I know someone who had a bad experience with an exploding motor. I guess there was battery acid everywhere. I can't imagine. This was before you could read a million reviews on naughty products before you bought them. Plus I think vibes are made sturdier now. I hope.

Yes, there are a lot of interesting things that could happen when sexing up electronics but I would like to tell a different kind of tale...

Kinksters In The Least Likely Places

I stayed home with my son the first year of his life and even after I went back to work it was only two to three days a week. I went to all the mommy group and stay-at-home-mom activities. If you've ever attended one of these mommy meet-ups you know that all conversation is pretty superficial and everyone keeps it PC. Playgroups become a sound board for discovering what is normal and airing concerns.

Little Billy isn't sleeping through the night.

Brighton has weird color poop.

I've had one boob three sizes smaller than the other ever since I stopped breast feeding.

It was at one of these mundane playgroups that what will forever be known as, 'the vibrator debacle' occurred.

It was spring and we were all gathered at a nice suburban home of one of the moms. The turn out was larger than normal and moms of age four and under were scattered all over the single story home and back yard.

I happened to be in the living room, so I had a front row seat when two of the three year old boys came out playing swords with sparkly hot pink and  lime green vibrating dildos. The intrepid scavenging explorers had gotten them out of the nightstand of the hosting mom's room. They thought they were light sabers. Dunt, dun dunnnn

That's not a light saber!

 OH THE HORROR. All conversation screeched to a halt. The only thing that could be heard was the hum of the vibrator and giggling glee of two 'sword fighting' small boys. Everyone was frozen in place unable to process what they were seeing until one quick thinking mom ran over and plucked the vibes from the kid's grips. That broke the spell and everyone was reacting.

I remember my eyes watered I was trying so hard to hold back my very inappropriate laughter.

I think this was the best thing that ever happened to our mommies group. From then on the group was splint down the middle. One side were moms that thought this was funny and felt horrible for the humiliated hosting mom. On the other side were the ladies of delicate sensibilities that were deeply offended by this occurrence.

This was years before that book that will not be named started making it normal for moms to be getting freaky in the bedroom.

Talk about an ice breaker. Turns out if you have kids you are going to get caught having sex at some point and if you have kinky toys your kid is going to discover them somewhere between adolescence and college.

My kid has stolen our handcuffs and other ties to play cops and robbers. A small flogger was discovered and used for the young adventures of Indiana Jones. We've since found a better, more secure, hiding place for these items.

Hopefully my kid never remembers these things. My brothers and I discovered my dads Viagra with some sexy costumes and g-strings in his sock draw when we were in our twenties. When you're in your twenties that shit is burned into your brain. I'm a little more open minded. Good for my parents. My brothers don't feel nearly as accepting. To this day just mentioning that occurrence sends my brothers into a fit ending in the fetal position.

"Vibrator debacles' happen. We ladies that were understanding and thought 'the vibrator debacle' was humorous went on to have long standing and much deeper friendships with one another. Although most of us have moved away and rarely see each other we still have the kind of bond in which we could call or email each other about the most scandalous intimate details of our lives without blinking.

So hide your naughty paraphernalia well Kinky Moms and take heart. You are not alone. 

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