TMI TUESDAY: Clit Sucking Vibrators

The invention of the vibrator is what makes up for centuries of cruel inventions like high heels, corsets, and chastity belts.

If you or anyone you know have seen this man's peen, please call 867-5309

I for one consider a great many vibes to be relationship enhancers. Marital aides. Something to spice up the week. Bullets and wands are fun for all. And they're easy on the male ego. Some men love wielding a vibe. It's all part of their campaign to destroy and conquer your fun bits.

If you have a male S.O. who is not enamored with your favorite motorized relaxation device, try using it on their shaft or perineum while giving him head. Let him see they aren't enemies or competitors.

They are friends.

They should hang out more.

A few weeks ago I became aware of a new vibe in town. It's a special vibe a lot of ladies have been posting about. It's got a new design, and well, it doesn't just vibrate. It sucks. Your clitoris to be exact.

It has clitoral suction capabilities.

I know, right?

Intrigued as I was, I really didn't think it would work. Then I kept seeing more posts about it. THEN a friend messaged me and told me she got one, and she orgasmed in 15 seconds, hands free!!

Skeptical of the majestic motorized beast's magical powers, I headed over to Amazon and one-clicked. 

AMAZON

Tracy's Dog.

Yes, it's by a company named Tracy's Dog. One can only hope pet play of the human variety was involved. I for one would never refer to anything I insert into my favorite bits or let suck on my happy bundle as my dog. But to each their own.

I've renamed mine Jack. Like jackrabbit, or Jack the Ripper, because it's lively, aggressive, and is capable of tearing a hoe up.

I'm not sure if it's as much of a relationship enhancer as a relationship replacement device. Your S.O. has every right to be jealous of this thing. All it's lacking is the ability to cuddle. Once that's figured out, everyone else is obsolete. Stock up on solar chargers in case of catastrophe, and you're set for life. 

The actual product is well made, and much larger than I thought it was going to be. It comes with a USB charging cord, and charges fast and easy. 

Now, that's all well and good, but let's talk about the nitty-gritty of this thing, because holy Toledo, does it get into your nitties and gritties. Hold your tatas, from here on out TMI Tuesday is going to earn its title. 

Okay, there are two settings on this thing. Suction and vibe. They work in tandem, but you activate them separately. I went with suction first, which may be where I errored.

And there was trial and error.

The insert end wouldn't go in all the way at first. Which was nice. Made me feel like I had a snug little lady.

Oh no, my vagina is too small for your manly contraption, sir! 

This thing isn't huge by any means, but I was obviously having a shallow lady-canal day. As complimentary as the experience was, because I couldn't get it to go in all the way, I couldn't get it to suction onto my coochie nipple. The suction device was landing somewhere north of where it needed to be.

It was a situation. And honestly, at that point I didn't think it was going to work.

So, I turned on the vibe. You know, to loosen things up. It worked, BUT I was still working through the million vibe settings on this thing when everything happened all at once. The vibe hit rocket ship mode, and Mr. Suction Cup latched on to my lady-wang with the power of a thousand Dyson vacuum cleaners.

Side note: Always test new vibe settings outside of the body first.

Here I was, getting power blasted from the inside, valiantly trying to find a lower setting, and the suction device on my clit, suuuuuuuuuuucked.  

I believe what transpired in those moments will likely be the closest thing to an exorcism that I will ever experience. 

While every muscle in my body was locked and twisted in a panicked state, I couldn't get the suction to unclamp. I couldn't think to turn the power off. And I couldn't get my legs to unclamp...

A struggle ensued. 

There was screaming.

And growling.

And tears.

I had to go full out Fight Club on it to get it off.

When it was over... well...

We've all been there.

Now, would I recommend this product to others?

Absolutely.

I would warn people to try the vibe settings first. For those of you with delicate little lady gardens, this may not be your everyday casual vibe. You may not be reaching for it when you need a little pick-me-up, or nightcap before bed.

But on days you need a super charged jill-off to help you feel alive? When you need a new exciting vibrator experience? When you want to electrify your soul and resurrect your spirit?

Jack is your guy.

I'm happy to report the second voyage aboard the S.S. Lady Killer went much smoother. Toes still curled. Eyes still rolled back. I still muttered quite a few obscenities, but no clits were injured.

Tracy's Dog is a horrible name for a clit sucking vibrator, but I now have a full understanding of why there are so many positive reviews on this thing.

If you have any rewards points on your credit card, this is what those are for.

Enjoy!

Buy Links:

Tracy's Dog

Off Brand Clit Sucking Wand

It's All In The Packaging

The recycling bin; window to the soul, or at least to a kinky girl's bedroom.

A few weeks ago the motor on my favorite vibrator died. Those who have a trusty vibe know this is a big deal. It's hard to find the vibrator that's just right for you. Not all vibes are created equal, that's a fact. And every woman wants something different from their vibe.

Personally, most days I'm not breaking out the Hitachi. That's like sending in a lumberjack to weed out your flower garden. Talk about overkill.

 

Although...

Also, allergic reactions must always be taken into consideration. Like many women, I have sensitive bits. Finding materials that are compatible with your lady is difficult, not to mention expensive. A good, hypoallergenic vibe can cost up to $300, and it's not like you can return the thing if it doesn't work out the way you were hoping.

Quite honestly some brilliant vibe inventor is making bank right now, and they still haven't invented a vibrating glass piece.

Note to self; ideas for Kickstarter

 

Glass Vibrator

But I digress. 

On my quest for Mr. Right Vibe I ended up going a little crazy and bought a plethora of new toys and naughty aides. Who doesn't add an item or five to the cart just to get free shipping?

When my box finally came in the other day I snatched it off my front porch, looking left and right down the block, like I'd spy some nosy old lady with binoculars trying to ascertain what exactly I was getting. I took it directly to my room and gleefully tore it open. After evaluating my inventory and liberating my items from their packaging, I realized something.

I had to get rid of all the hard plastic phallic shaped wrappers and individual boxes with labels like ASSistant, G-Spot Finder, and Black Leather Pussy Slapper.

I looked at my pile of packaging and judged myself a little. There was just so much of it at one time. Was I opening a sex shop? Who needs that many sexual accoutrements? What kind of depraved beast was I?!

The panic was setting in along with a bit of buyers remorse. It's not like I was going to go hog wild and use all this stuff at the same time...well, maybe...

 

Fingers crossed

I talked myself down and was again happy with all my purchases. For the most part, that is. The ASSistant was as big as my head. It looked considerably smaller in the pictures. No way that thing is ASSisting my anything. It's languishing in my underwear draw because I just don't know where to store it.

Back to the point, I still had to get rid of all the packaging. I had a few options.

1) I could put all this through the shredder before dumping, making my recycling collectors hate me. You can't bag your recyclables here.

2) I could hefty bag it and send it to the city dump, something that my eco-friendly heart was not in favor of.

3) I could wait until night fall and dump it in my neighbor's recycling bin. Then when the trash collectors gave my nice old lady neighbor knowing looks, she'd just smile and wave. Clueless.

4) I could shove it all under my bed until someone in my house--probably my pre-tween--found it. Resulting in future therapy costs and being blamed for all sorts of repressions.

5) Or I could woman up, put it all in the recycle bin and hope this week wasn't the week my bin gets knocked over, dumping out empty naughty packaging all over the alley. Then probably blowing into my neighbors' yard for them to pick up. All dirty trails of scandalous trash leading directly to the spilled bin at my fence.

I did the right thing. I womaned up and recycled.

Heart racing up a storm, I walked to my back gate. Of course the second I began dumping the proof of my depravity a couple walking their dog started in my direction and my nice lady neighbor--the one I was going to pin my degeneracy on--brought out her trash.

I believe this was the universe making me sweat it for contemplating throwing my neighbor under the naughty bus. I was sure something was going to go wrong. Like instead of having toilet paper on my shoe I'd have phallic wrap trailing behind me. I had to fight looking down at myself in my hyper paranoid state. Rationally I knew I didn't have a rubber dick hanging out of my pocket.

Irrational me might as well of had a fake dong glued to her forehead in a unfortunate parody of a unicorn.

It was a huge relief when it was done and nothing spilled out at my neighbor's sandal clad feet. If she or the dog walking couple noticed any of the packaging being quickly disposed of, they hid it well. Not a snicker was uttered.

Now,  just one more week until the recyclables are actually picked up.

**Ever have a sex toy snafu? Kids at Mommy Meet Up wander out of the hostess's room playing swords with vibrators? I've been there. Feel free to share!!
   

Good Vibrations

Is owning a vibrator still considered kinky? Seems like everyone has a vibrator or dildo these days. Since all the kinkster sites always have a ton of vibrator reviews I'm going to say yes. I for one am always surprised when someone says they don't have one.

After I started having issues with silicone and latex I asked a girlfriend what kind of material hers was made out of. She said she used to have one but she's been completely organic for years. I didn't know there was a granola mode of masturbation. 

Recently a different girlfriend texted me, I think my new roommate can hear my vibrator, but I can't ask him. He locks his room whether he's home or not. How am I going to find out if he can hear it in his room?

I told her whatever possible creepy reason he's locking his door probably trumps her rubbing one out every night, but this got me thinking about some of the humorous trials and tribulations my friends and I have encountered with vibrators.

Can My Neighbor Hear My Vibrator?

I live in an area of old brick houses with thin windows. All the houses are spaced with about fifteen feet apart. Our bedroom is positioned across from our neighbors kitchen windows and their upstairs office. Our neighbor often works from home and leans out his office window to smoke.

I was never concerned he could hear us having sex until one day when my husband had a day off during the week and my son was in school. We of course took full advantage of the situation. After what I can only describe as a 'wild romp', that left me hoarse, I became aware I could hear my neighbor talking on his phone while he hung out his window smoking. Gasp

I still held hope he hadn't heard us. He was outside but we were inside with the windows firmly closed.

Taking the dogs out in the back yard, later that week, while my son was playing in his room dissuaded me of that notion. If I could hear my kid yelling at the imaginary foes his army guys were fighting, then our neighbors definitely could hear us.

The damage was done. When that happened we'd already lived here for a year and had sex plenty of other times. So our neighbors know we have an active healthy sex life. Shrug They still invite us to BBQs so obviously they didn't mind....

Having our neighbors know we are having sex is a little different than our neighbors knowing we are having kinky sex. I was already mortified they could probably hear me getting my ass slapped, I pray they can't hear the dirty talk. Now, Oh God, could they hear my vibrator?

I've had one sex toy or another since I was eighteen. I hadn't however had a battery operated sex toy since my son was born. Having a child changed my lady parts tolerance to certain rubber materials. I replaced my toys with glass and glass toys rarely have vibes.

About a year ago I got to the point I really wanted a vibrator again.

I rushed out and found one compatible with my tiddly bits and popped in the batteries. This thing sounded ten times louder at home than at the store. I was positive the entire neighborhood could hear this thing.

I left it in my room walking around the inside of my house. I could hear it from every room. I of course rushed outside and if anyone glanced down my driveway or walked by the back of my house they would have seen me with my ear pressed up against my window.

I have since listened from many locations, on three separate occasions, just to be sure. There are always people mowing lawns or doing some kind of building of things with hammers and electric saws. Of course I can't hear it. Then I noticed every time I want to use it the only thing that can be heard is the melodic chirping  of birds and of course the loud hum of my vibrator.

It's giving me a complex.

I hear vibrators

If that weren't bad enough my husband thinks nothing of it. He brings it out and uses it on me carte blanche. I'm one of those people that gets hazy when completely aroused. I don't notice the world around me until afterwards when I can hear things like my neighbors talking outside in their backyard. Then I want to dig a hole and hide.

I guess this is a sign I'm not an exhibitionist, but I think my husband is because the frequency of our sexcapades have increased quite a bit since he discovered our neighbors can probably hear us. Groan Together eleven years and I'm still discovering new things about him everyday.

* * * *

Like any electronic devise vibrators can go haywire. I know someone who had a bad experience with an exploding motor. I guess there was battery acid everywhere. I can't imagine. This was before you could read a million reviews on naughty products before you bought them. Plus I think vibes are made sturdier now. I hope.

Yes, there are a lot of interesting things that could happen when sexing up electronics but I would like to tell a different kind of tale...

Kinksters In The Least Likely Places

I stayed home with my son the first year of his life and even after I went back to work it was only two to three days a week. I went to all the mommy group and stay-at-home-mom activities. If you've ever attended one of these mommy meet-ups you know that all conversation is pretty superficial and everyone keeps it PC. Playgroups become a sound board for discovering what is normal and airing concerns.

Little Billy isn't sleeping through the night.

Brighton has weird color poop.

I've had one boob three sizes smaller than the other ever since I stopped breast feeding.

It was at one of these mundane playgroups that what will forever be known as, 'the vibrator debacle' occurred.

It was spring and we were all gathered at a nice suburban home of one of the moms. The turn out was larger than normal and moms of age four and under were scattered all over the single story home and back yard.

I happened to be in the living room, so I had a front row seat when two of the three year old boys came out playing swords with sparkly hot pink and  lime green vibrating dildos. The intrepid scavenging explorers had gotten them out of the nightstand of the hosting mom's room. They thought they were light sabers. Dunt, dun dunnnn

That's not a light saber!

 OH THE HORROR. All conversation screeched to a halt. The only thing that could be heard was the hum of the vibrator and giggling glee of two 'sword fighting' small boys. Everyone was frozen in place unable to process what they were seeing until one quick thinking mom ran over and plucked the vibes from the kid's grips. That broke the spell and everyone was reacting.

I remember my eyes watered I was trying so hard to hold back my very inappropriate laughter.

I think this was the best thing that ever happened to our mommies group. From then on the group was splint down the middle. One side were moms that thought this was funny and felt horrible for the humiliated hosting mom. On the other side were the ladies of delicate sensibilities that were deeply offended by this occurrence.

This was years before that book that will not be named started making it normal for moms to be getting freaky in the bedroom.

Talk about an ice breaker. Turns out if you have kids you are going to get caught having sex at some point and if you have kinky toys your kid is going to discover them somewhere between adolescence and college.

My kid has stolen our handcuffs and other ties to play cops and robbers. A small flogger was discovered and used for the young adventures of Indiana Jones. We've since found a better, more secure, hiding place for these items.

Hopefully my kid never remembers these things. My brothers and I discovered my dads Viagra with some sexy costumes and g-strings in his sock draw when we were in our twenties. When you're in your twenties that shit is burned into your brain. I'm a little more open minded. Good for my parents. My brothers don't feel nearly as accepting. To this day just mentioning that occurrence sends my brothers into a fit ending in the fetal position.

"Vibrator debacles' happen. We ladies that were understanding and thought 'the vibrator debacle' was humorous went on to have long standing and much deeper friendships with one another. Although most of us have moved away and rarely see each other we still have the kind of bond in which we could call or email each other about the most scandalous intimate details of our lives without blinking.

So hide your naughty paraphernalia well Kinky Moms and take heart. You are not alone.