TMI TUESDAY: Clit Sucking Vibrators

The invention of the vibrator is what makes up for centuries of cruel inventions like high heels, corsets, and chastity belts.

If you or anyone you know have seen this man's peen, please call 867-5309

I for one consider a great many vibes to be relationship enhancers. Marital aides. Something to spice up the week. Bullets and wands are fun for all. And they're easy on the male ego. Some men love wielding a vibe. It's all part of their campaign to destroy and conquer your fun bits.

If you have a male S.O. who is not enamored with your favorite motorized relaxation device, try using it on their shaft or perineum while giving him head. Let him see they aren't enemies or competitors.

They are friends.

They should hang out more.

A few weeks ago I became aware of a new vibe in town. It's a special vibe a lot of ladies have been posting about. It's got a new design, and well, it doesn't just vibrate. It sucks. Your clitoris to be exact.

It has clitoral suction capabilities.

I know, right?

Intrigued as I was, I really didn't think it would work. Then I kept seeing more posts about it. THEN a friend messaged me and told me she got one, and she orgasmed in 15 seconds, hands free!!

Skeptical of the majestic motorized beast's magical powers, I headed over to Amazon and one-clicked. 

AMAZON

Tracy's Dog.

Yes, it's by a company named Tracy's Dog. One can only hope pet play of the human variety was involved. I for one would never refer to anything I insert into my favorite bits or let suck on my happy bundle as my dog. But to each their own.

I've renamed mine Jack. Like jackrabbit, or Jack the Ripper, because it's lively, aggressive, and is capable of tearing a hoe up.

I'm not sure if it's as much of a relationship enhancer as a relationship replacement device. Your S.O. has every right to be jealous of this thing. All it's lacking is the ability to cuddle. Once that's figured out, everyone else is obsolete. Stock up on solar chargers in case of catastrophe, and you're set for life. 

The actual product is well made, and much larger than I thought it was going to be. It comes with a USB charging cord, and charges fast and easy. 

Now, that's all well and good, but let's talk about the nitty-gritty of this thing, because holy Toledo, does it get into your nitties and gritties. Hold your tatas, from here on out TMI Tuesday is going to earn its title. 

Okay, there are two settings on this thing. Suction and vibe. They work in tandem, but you activate them separately. I went with suction first, which may be where I errored.

And there was trial and error.

The insert end wouldn't go in all the way at first. Which was nice. Made me feel like I had a snug little lady.

Oh no, my vagina is too small for your manly contraption, sir! 

This thing isn't huge by any means, but I was obviously having a shallow lady-canal day. As complimentary as the experience was, because I couldn't get it to go in all the way, I couldn't get it to suction onto my coochie nipple. The suction device was landing somewhere north of where it needed to be.

It was a situation. And honestly, at that point I didn't think it was going to work.

So, I turned on the vibe. You know, to loosen things up. It worked, BUT I was still working through the million vibe settings on this thing when everything happened all at once. The vibe hit rocket ship mode, and Mr. Suction Cup latched on to my lady-wang with the power of a thousand Dyson vacuum cleaners.

Side note: Always test new vibe settings outside of the body first.

Here I was, getting power blasted from the inside, valiantly trying to find a lower setting, and the suction device on my clit, suuuuuuuuuuucked.  

I believe what transpired in those moments will likely be the closest thing to an exorcism that I will ever experience. 

While every muscle in my body was locked and twisted in a panicked state, I couldn't get the suction to unclamp. I couldn't think to turn the power off. And I couldn't get my legs to unclamp...

A struggle ensued. 

There was screaming.

And growling.

And tears.

I had to go full out Fight Club on it to get it off.

When it was over... well...

We've all been there.

Now, would I recommend this product to others?

Absolutely.

I would warn people to try the vibe settings first. For those of you with delicate little lady gardens, this may not be your everyday casual vibe. You may not be reaching for it when you need a little pick-me-up, or nightcap before bed.

But on days you need a super charged jill-off to help you feel alive? When you need a new exciting vibrator experience? When you want to electrify your soul and resurrect your spirit?

Jack is your guy.

I'm happy to report the second voyage aboard the S.S. Lady Killer went much smoother. Toes still curled. Eyes still rolled back. I still muttered quite a few obscenities, but no clits were injured.

Tracy's Dog is a horrible name for a clit sucking vibrator, but I now have a full understanding of why there are so many positive reviews on this thing.

If you have any rewards points on your credit card, this is what those are for.

Enjoy!

Buy Links:

Tracy's Dog

Off Brand Clit Sucking Wand

It's All In The Packaging

The recycling bin; window to the soul, or at least to a kinky girl's bedroom.

A few weeks ago the motor on my favorite vibrator died. Those who have a trusty vibe know this is a big deal. It's hard to find the vibrator that's just right for you. Not all vibes are created equal, that's a fact. And every woman wants something different from their vibe.

Personally, most days I'm not breaking out the Hitachi. That's like sending in a lumberjack to weed out your flower garden. Talk about overkill.

 

Although...

Also, allergic reactions must always be taken into consideration. Like many women, I have sensitive bits. Finding materials that are compatible with your lady is difficult, not to mention expensive. A good, hypoallergenic vibe can cost up to $300, and it's not like you can return the thing if it doesn't work out the way you were hoping.

Quite honestly some brilliant vibe inventor is making bank right now, and they still haven't invented a vibrating glass piece.

Note to self; ideas for Kickstarter

 

Glass Vibrator

But I digress. 

On my quest for Mr. Right Vibe I ended up going a little crazy and bought a plethora of new toys and naughty aides. Who doesn't add an item or five to the cart just to get free shipping?

When my box finally came in the other day I snatched it off my front porch, looking left and right down the block, like I'd spy some nosy old lady with binoculars trying to ascertain what exactly I was getting. I took it directly to my room and gleefully tore it open. After evaluating my inventory and liberating my items from their packaging, I realized something.

I had to get rid of all the hard plastic phallic shaped wrappers and individual boxes with labels like ASSistant, G-Spot Finder, and Black Leather Pussy Slapper.

I looked at my pile of packaging and judged myself a little. There was just so much of it at one time. Was I opening a sex shop? Who needs that many sexual accoutrements? What kind of depraved beast was I?!

The panic was setting in along with a bit of buyers remorse. It's not like I was going to go hog wild and use all this stuff at the same time...well, maybe...

 

Fingers crossed

I talked myself down and was again happy with all my purchases. For the most part, that is. The ASSistant was as big as my head. It looked considerably smaller in the pictures. No way that thing is ASSisting my anything. It's languishing in my underwear draw because I just don't know where to store it.

Back to the point, I still had to get rid of all the packaging. I had a few options.

1) I could put all this through the shredder before dumping, making my recycling collectors hate me. You can't bag your recyclables here.

2) I could hefty bag it and send it to the city dump, something that my eco-friendly heart was not in favor of.

3) I could wait until night fall and dump it in my neighbor's recycling bin. Then when the trash collectors gave my nice old lady neighbor knowing looks, she'd just smile and wave. Clueless.

4) I could shove it all under my bed until someone in my house--probably my pre-tween--found it. Resulting in future therapy costs and being blamed for all sorts of repressions.

5) Or I could woman up, put it all in the recycle bin and hope this week wasn't the week my bin gets knocked over, dumping out empty naughty packaging all over the alley. Then probably blowing into my neighbors' yard for them to pick up. All dirty trails of scandalous trash leading directly to the spilled bin at my fence.

I did the right thing. I womaned up and recycled.

Heart racing up a storm, I walked to my back gate. Of course the second I began dumping the proof of my depravity a couple walking their dog started in my direction and my nice lady neighbor--the one I was going to pin my degeneracy on--brought out her trash.

I believe this was the universe making me sweat it for contemplating throwing my neighbor under the naughty bus. I was sure something was going to go wrong. Like instead of having toilet paper on my shoe I'd have phallic wrap trailing behind me. I had to fight looking down at myself in my hyper paranoid state. Rationally I knew I didn't have a rubber dick hanging out of my pocket.

Irrational me might as well of had a fake dong glued to her forehead in a unfortunate parody of a unicorn.

It was a huge relief when it was done and nothing spilled out at my neighbor's sandal clad feet. If she or the dog walking couple noticed any of the packaging being quickly disposed of, they hid it well. Not a snicker was uttered.

Now,  just one more week until the recyclables are actually picked up.

**Ever have a sex toy snafu? Kids at Mommy Meet Up wander out of the hostess's room playing swords with vibrators? I've been there. Feel free to share!!