Sunday, May 17, 2015

An Indelicate Subject

My bestie recently texted me from the bathroom of her new boyfriend's place. At Neil's...terrified he'll hear me fart in bathroom...I can't make enough distracting noise!

There are two types of women in the world; those who get fart jokes, and those who don't.

It seems like the girls who find the humor in fart jokes are so much more secure with tooting in front of new boyfriends, new girlfriends...anyone really. They're like the walking, talking, Dove positive body image of body functions.

They're passing gas right now!

Their parents read them "Everybody Poops" and they took notes.

Personally, I fall into the camp that just do not get it. And one would think potty humor would be right up my ally. I had the upbringing that should have led to embracing flatulence as a fact of life. I grew up with older brothers. To this day they adore bathroom humor. Everyone at my house went to the bathroom with the door open, including me.

Shouldn't that have led to me being open about tooting?

Don't get me wrong, there are some crass things I love. Beer? Um, hell yeah. Swearing? Let's paint a rainbow of vulgarity. Sex talk? The dirtier the better. Air naturally evacuating your body? Unfortunate occurrence that should be avoided at all costs.

I go out of my way not to break wind. I'd been with my husband for over three years before I had a full sound fart in front of him. It was horrifying. In fact I was never flatulent in front of any guy I dated. Ever. I don't even say the word 'fart' out loud. It's the 'F' word at my house. So when my gf texted me this I felt her pain. I'd been in that predicament before. This is a silent struggle about a not-so-silent stinky matter.

Flatulence and your dating life.

I'm sure guys on some level are just as horrified to poot in front of a new female they're trying to woo. Or a male for that matter. I'm not sure of the ins and outs of male/male dating rituals as pertains to flatulence. For women it's something I believe most of us vigilantly try to avoid. From a young age those of us who fear the flatulence begin a regimen of asshole clenching exercises that are akin to Asian feet binding.

Over the years we unwittingly train our bodies to hold our farts for days. Every little girl you see with her back ramrod straight, sitting at her desk with a troubled look. She's not worried about the test or her homework for tomorrow. She's concerned her silent noxious ass vapors--that are swirling around her, in an invisible haze--are going to become apparent to the twenty other students in her class. That little girl is on the road to a lifetime of asshole clenching.

Should we tell that little girl to just let it rip and and own it? I don't know. My preference would be for no one to let it rip. For no one to own it. When I'm on a plane or elevator and the stank of human gas is upon me, I wrinkle my nose with everyone else, and I pretend that it did not happen. I do not laugh. I do not gag, as much as I'd like to. I do not acknowledge it at all.

As it should be.

And those of us who hold our farts and pretend they do not exist, know that no amount of fart positive is going to get us to unclench. I would just like you to know you are not alone. There are others just as uncomfortable and horrified by that particular body function. So the next time you're hiding out in the bathroom of your date's apartment, fearing being heard, know you are not alone. And toilet paper wadded and tightly snugged to your asshole helps silence the sound. Just an FYI on a DIY butt muffler.

So, remember, everyone farts, but lets all pretend that we don't.

Friday, May 15, 2015

I Forgot To Be Sexy

Anyone over the age of twenty-two knows there are times when you just don't feel the sexy. That's understandable. No one tells you there are going to be times when you just straight up forget to be sexy. You'll have ample opportunity. You may even be dressing up for things like work on a regular basis. But it will slip your mind.

That happened to me. I forgot to be sexy. 

I confess, as a stay-at-home mom and a writer, I really don't have to look cute. Most days no effort is required of my appearance, but I like to look cute, so I often do. Not only that, but I write sexy sex scenes all the damn time. Yet, I still forgot to be sexy.

My husband, bless the man, he hits on me, he tell me I'm beautiful and sexy, yet it still escaped my mind. He dotes on me. He brings me treats when he gets off work. He calls on his way home from work to ask if I need anything from the store. He rubs my shoulders and back if I look like I'm feeling blue, and he's opened the car door for me for over thirteen years now. And those are only some examples of how awesome he is.

And I forgot to be sexy. 

As you can imagine, I feel like a total bitch. Here he is, trying with all his might to ignite the sexy and I'm dashing it with a fire-extinguisher. He's been holding up his end--going the extra mile--while I've just let my end fall by the wayside.

Don't get me wrong. There has still been sex. But it's been the sure-why-not sex any couple that's been together for a while knows is a normal thing. But when you're only having sure-why-not sex it becomes an unhealthy thing. Then it's just masturbation within a relationship. Hair doesn't necessarily have to be clean. You do all the positions you know will get each other off the quickest and there may be some fancy ass slapping, and dirty talk, but you're going to get down to business plain and simple. After you're done it's completely acceptable for you both to go back to doing your daily meh that you were doing before. You may even forget that you had sex that day.

That's a sorry state of affairs.

Sexy sex can happen while you don't have on a lick of makeup, wearing your ratty bathrobe, or all dolled up sporting your best lingerie, but you make it count. You get that I'm-going-to-tear-your-shit-up/come-and-get-it-daddy gleam in your eye. The sex can get freaky or just be up against the washing machine, and you and your partner are going to be thinking about that sex you just had all freaking day, or night, just counting the minutes until you can do it again.

And, yes, there will be times when you're just not mentally up for that, but there are going to be times you forget you're capable of that level of hot. You will forget, as I had forgotten. 

It wasn't until I was laid up with a double ear infection, my throat swollen and nasty, that I remembered that I was forgetting to be sexy. My husband was doing sweet considerate things for me and I realized he does those same things all the damn time. I'm just so wrapped up in everything else I didn't notice. But sick, in bed with a fever, I noticed.

A most inopportune moment to be sure. It wasn't as if I could do anything about it then.

I did tell him as soon as I was well we were going to have mind blowing sex on every surface of our house. It's a small house, so it's not exactly a great boast, but it's the thought that counts. I told him it was going to be freaky and dirty and glorious.

He smiled and kissed my forehead in an awe-her-fever-has-made-her-delirious way. But I'm not delirious. I'm going to remember to be sexy. Whether I'm writing, painting the living room, or doing the dishes. I'm going to remember I'm a sexy bitch.

I know many of you can commiserate. You may be like me and have forgotten the sexy, or you may have lost it completely. I'm here to remind you to bring the sexy back, and offer some suggestions on how to do that.

Sexy is really a state of mind. You must think sexy to be sexy, unless you're really f%$#ing hot. That's totally different. Even the really hot people have to feel sexy to bring the sexy. You want to feel sexy first and foremost.

1. 20-60 seconds of Porn. A recent study done by some scientist with a doctorate degree at some university somewhere, reported that women who view 20-60 seconds of porn not only started thinking about sexy things throughout the day, but were also more likely to initiate and enjoy sex. 

So now you know, you're just one tumblr porn clip away from redirecting your thoughts from your grocery list to sexual matters. 

2. Erotic literature. In case you didn't already know that. This is a little bit more of a time consuming endeavor than the porn clip, but no less worthy of a go.

3. Sleep. Seven to nine hours. Sex reduces stress and helps you sleep. Sleep helps reduce stress and revs your libido. Sex and sleep is where it's at. That combo is better than any anti-aging wrinkle cream. Have both in your life. You deserve it. 

4. Healthy diet of vitamins and certain foods. Zinc is a big libido booster that is underutilized for those that don't have a head cold. Vit E, B5 and 6 also have been known to help. They improve circulation, improve allergy problems and give you a feeling of well being. Vit A or beta-carotene.

Eating foods that contain these vitamins such as, berries, avocados, sweet potatoes, onions, garlic, and red meat have been known to help. 

5. Relax. Let-the-eff-go. Listen to some music. Move your body in a sensual manner. Let yourself feel sexy. Whether you are filing tax reports or running errands, be aware of your body and the fact that you are a sexual being. 

Sexy safe sex has a million and one benefits. Don't miss out. Be the sexy beast I know you can be! Bring back sexy!!