Nicholas Sparks Can Suck A Bag Of Dicks

Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. I'm just fed up with his sad bastard ways, at the moment. I have a serious love/hate relationship with his work. Let me explain.

The movie Message in a Bottle came out in 99'. Back then we didn't know that being a character in a Nicholas Sparks novel was akin to a death sentence. I read four Nicholas Sparks titles after Message in a Bottle came out. The most beloved characters in all four books died tragically.

Ugh, okay. I get it. There are just some authors you know what you're getting when you go into it. If I read a Catherine Anderson novel I know the H or h will have been survivors of horribleness. If you're a H/h  in her books and you weren't super raped, your family was probably killed in the most tragic scenario possible. I know this going into a Catherine Anderson novel. It's a guarantee. I get it.

And honestly, I read Walk To Remember knowing that I was reading this girl's death story. I was okay with that. I saw the movie knowing the ending would not change. Death was imminent. I also went into The Notebook knowing it was going to be sad as f*&%. I was okay with that.

But then Nights In Rodanthe just pissed me off. I didn't know it was a Nicholas Sparks. I only watched the movie. It was like City of Angels all over again. (and no, that wasn't a NS but it should have been)

Thank heaven for Dear John. The ending is somewhat anti-climatic in it's epilogue-eskness. We at least get a sense of HEA, but by 2010 when this movie is released and book sales are booming we all are poised and ready for tragic death. I'm sure I'm not the only one that expected Channing Tatum to bite a bullet.

I'm in a Nicholas Sparks movie and the military. 

If I survive it will be a miracle!!  

I'm not going to talk about The Last Song because it was just okay, (I'm assuming the book was better) but at least it has a HEA despite the death of the main character's father. Which is good because then Nicholas Sparks put out, The Lucky One. Guess who wasn't so lucky in The Lucky One? The main character that dies. That's who. This was followed by Safe Haven. Guess who isn't safe? You guessed it. The main characters.

By the time Safe Haven came out I was cursing Nicholas Sparks name, and not trusting him at all. He puts out books I think I want to read and movies I so want to watch. But I don't. Not really. Because they always lift me up onto the platform of hope and everlasting love and then crash me against the shores into the ugly bitter reality of NO-HAPPY-FRICKIN-ENDING-EVER-LAND.

I've stopped reading the books, but why the hell do I keep watching the movies?!

I had made a promise to myself to not watch these things anymore. Every time I pass a book by him in a store I get irrationally irate. It's not a healthy cycle.

Well, you may have noticed the trailers for The Best Of Me, in theaters October 17th.

What romance loving chick didn't see that trailer and want to go see it? There's new, up and coming actor, Luke Bracey. 

Who looks like he's Jon Bon Jovi's kid. 

But then he grows up and turns into a rough and tumble James Marsden. Which is totally plausible. Why not? Who didn't want to have sex with a young Jon Bon Jovi in 1994 and have him morph into James Marsden by 2014. I'm telling you, the guys I went to high school with aren't aging half as well as the people in the movies.

I was pumped to see this flick. Super pumped. I had the female friends of mine I was going to drag the theater with me all lined up in my mind. I would have gone on my own if need be. I was prepared to get my sentimental love story on. Then at the end of the TV trailer the announcer guy says, "Directed by Michael Hoffman, in collaboration with Nicholas Sparks."

NOOOoOOOooOOooo!!! Nicholas Sparks kept echoing through my head. The grim reaper of literature just shat on my girly movie. And maybe my disdain for Nicholas Sparks makes me a little less of a girly girl. I would just like one damn quality girly movie I'm not waiting for someone to get hit by a city bus. Is that too much to ask? Are there no other sappy-ass screen play writers in Hollywood right now? An unknown entity that doesn't kill people off?

Heck, Meet Joe Black was about the Grim Reaper and had ten times more of a happy ending than anything by Nicolas Sparks. I don't mind my characters suffering. Make them suffer screen play writers. Put them through the wringer. Then give them something to live for. I want to be raised to the platform of hope and everlasting love, then allowed to bask in a HEA that isn't realistic in the frickin' least. To me, THAT is how a girly movie should be done.

Is that too much too ask?