Saturday, October 4, 2014

Nicholas Sparks Can Suck A Bag Of Dicks

Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. I'm just fed up with his sad bastard ways, at the moment. I have a serious love/hate relationship with his work. Let me explain.

The movie Message in a Bottle came out in 99'. Back then we didn't know that being a character in a Nicholas Sparks novel was akin to a death sentence. I read four Nicholas Sparks titles after Message in a Bottle came out. The most beloved characters in all four books died tragically.

Ugh, okay. I get it. There are just some authors you know what you're getting when you go into it. If I read a Catherine Anderson novel I know the H or h will have been survivors of horribleness. If you're a H/h  in her books and you weren't super raped, your family was probably killed in the most tragic scenario possible. I know this going into a Catherine Anderson novel. It's a guarantee. I get it.

And honestly, I read Walk To Remember knowing that I was reading this girl's death story. I was okay with that. I saw the movie knowing the ending would not change. Death was imminent. I also went into The Notebook knowing it was going to be sad as f*&%. I was okay with that.

But then Nights In Rodanthe just pissed me off. I didn't know it was a Nicholas Sparks. I only watched the movie. It was like City of Angels all over again. (and no, that wasn't a NS but it should have been)

Thank heaven for Dear John. The ending is somewhat anti-climatic in it's epilogue-eskness. We at least get a sense of HEA, but by 2010 when this movie is released and book sales are booming we all are poised and ready for tragic death. I'm sure I'm not the only one that expected Channing Tatum to bite a bullet.

I'm in a Nicholas Sparks movie and the military. 
If I survive it will be a miracle!!  

I'm not going to talk about The Last Song because it was just okay, (I'm assuming the book was better) but at least it has a HEA despite the death of the main character's father. Which is good because then Nicholas Sparks put out, The Lucky One. Guess who wasn't so lucky in The Lucky One? The main character that dies. That's who. This was followed by Safe Haven. Guess who isn't safe? You guessed it. The main characters.

By the time Safe Haven came out I was cursing Nicholas Sparks name, and not trusting him at all. He puts out books I think I want to read and movies I so want to watch. But I don't. Not really. Because they always lift me up onto the platform of hope and everlasting love and then crash me against the shores into the ugly bitter reality of NO-HAPPY-FRICKIN-ENDING-EVER-LAND.

I've stopped reading the books, but why the hell do I keep watching the movies?!

I had made a promise to myself to not watch these things anymore. Every time I pass a book by him in a store I get irrationally irate. It's not a healthy cycle.

Well, you may have noticed the trailers for The Best Of Me, in theaters October 17th.

What romance loving chick didn't see that trailer and want to go see it? There's new, up and coming actor, Luke Bracey. 

Who looks like he's Jon Bon Jovi's kid. 

But then he grows up and turns into a rough and tumble James Marsden. Which is totally plausible. Why not? Who didn't want to have sex with a young Jon Bon Jovi in 1994 and have him morph into James Marsden by 2014. I'm telling you, the guys I went to high school with aren't aging half as well as the people in the movies.

I was pumped to see this flick. Super pumped. I had the female friends of mine I was going to drag the theater with me all lined up in my mind. I would have gone on my own if need be. I was prepared to get my sentimental love story on. Then at the end of the TV trailer the announcer guy says, "Directed by Michael Hoffman, in collaboration with Nicholas Sparks."

NOOOoOOOooOOooo!!! Nicholas Sparks kept echoing through my head. The grim reaper of literature just shat on my girly movie. And maybe my disdain for Nicholas Sparks makes me a little less of a girly girl. I would just like one damn quality girly movie I'm not waiting for someone to get hit by a city bus. Is that too much to ask? Are there no other sappy-ass screen play writers in Hollywood right now? An unknown entity that doesn't kill people off?

Heck, Meet Joe Black was about the Grim Reaper and had ten times more of a happy ending than anything by Nicolas Sparks. I don't mind my characters suffering. Make them suffer screen play writers. Put them through the wringer. Then give them something to live for. I want to be raised to the platform of hope and everlasting love, then allowed to bask in a HEA that isn't realistic in the frickin' least. To me, THAT is how a girly movie should be done.

Is that too much too ask?


  1. You had me at this title. I hate Nicholas Sparks. That being said- I think he is a fucking genius. Did you know that he will write the movie sometimes before he writes the book? Who does that? A fucking crazy-ass money making genius that is who!!!

    I read an article about how he wrote the Last Song- the movie and had it casted before writing the book.

    I think I have read two Nicholas Sparks books and cried my eyes out, and never again would make that mistake, because I personally cannot handle it. The Notebook is one of my favorite movies, and I seriously sob every time I see it, yet I love it! And it makes me hate that man all the more. And I refuse to read the book because I just can't- sorry I am not up for that sort of cry-fest commitment.

    I also think I had the exact same reaction as you to this new movie. I was like- oh, a chick flick, romance-y a little drama-y, mmm, yummy James Marseden. Ugh! Fuck you, Nicholas Sparks!

    I think I hate him because I feel like he has some kind of mind control, some kind of crazy-weird power over women's minds because every single time I want to see these movies. I am happy to say I resist, but it doesn't stop the wanting... we will not let him win!

    1. I've read the books from earlier in his career before he started just writing them for movies--which really is frickin genius!! Anyways, those books are super sad bastard and mostly about boys and guy friends that lose their brothers and friends in some tragic way.

      I believe his brother IRL died (drowned) when he was younger and it's made him the sad bastard/grim reaper of literature he is today.

      He's said that he likes adding the realistic horrors of life to his stuff. So he admits he knows he's a sick fuck that likes to torture the human soul with his devastating realism. That's what I got from that.

      I'm so sad and conflicted. Every time I hear James Marseden say that "You were always the best of me," line I get chills!! Damit!! I know I will eventually watch this movie and I'm probably going to be super pissed off after if not during. I can't pass his books or movie at the store with shit talking him under my breath.