(authors and bloggers) had a round table discussion about who brought spanking into the relationship. Here is a link to a post containing all the links to participants in this discussion:
Turns out this conversation is often awkward, and can and probably will end in frustration and hurt feelings.
I have friends that are swingers and friends that on occasion invite a third party into their bedroom. At some point these folks had to talk to their partners about bringing in other people for sex. That's pretty major. By comparison I thought putting spanking on the table was going to be no big deal.
Easy right?
I'm the one that brought up spanking and it wasn't the easy casual conversation I expected. I did this when my husband and I were at an impasse in our relationship. I think every partnership goes through this. We were never on the same page. We agreed to disagree a lot.
None of our arguments were really about what we were arguing about. I was constantly busting his balls in private and in social settings, spending money I wasn't supposed to spend, and pointing out guys I thought were hot to get a reaction out of him.
I wanted to be dominated to feel secure and loved. We were in such a state of turmoil I needed that for stability but my actions were just creating a bigger rift between us. We had a ton of resentment and closed off feelings. I often got plenty of aggressive demanding sex I loved, because of my behavior, but there was something missing. At the time I didn't realize how many things were missing.
One thing I really craved at the time was to be spanked. I was just starting to realize this about myself. I was also coming to terms with how submissive I was to my husband. Finding a balance between my need to please him and be in charge outside of the bedroom didn't come easy. My control freak and inner submissive were not meshing well.
With all the feeling of being out of control, is it any wonder I just needed to be spanked?
To me spanking is a big part of being dominated, and I also knew it would help me with physical and emotional release. I was a licensed massage therapist for almost ten years. I did mostly therapeutic massage for those with chronic issues. That was almost a decade of people balling their eyes out on my table because the muscle release was what they needed to be able to release emotionally.
People hold physical, mental, and emotional tension in their muscles.
I'll talk about that another time.
Anyways, I mentioned spanking the first time earlier in our relationship when we watched the movie
Along Came Polly. Ben Stiller is feeling his oats after his new wife cheats on him during their honeymoon and playfully spanks Jennifer Aniston's bottom during a playful romp.
I first put it on the table then. My husband gave me a raised eyebrow and the moment passed. About five, six years ago, (our year of discord) we started being much more open about sex and trying new things. I told him I really wanted to be spanked during sex, before sex. Any time. I just wanted to be spanked.
He treated it as though I had asked him to beat me with a metal pipe. He incredulously asked things like,
"You want to be hit? You want me to hit you?" Then he looked at me like I was a freak and said hurtful things like,
"I know you're into pain but I'm not into that shit."
I was devastated.
How did a playful talk about sexy spankings go so wrong? He was pissed and I have never felt less understood. I do like a little pain
when aroused. He was making it sound like I was a extreme masochist who needed to be bull whipped to be satisfied. Had I asked
that I could see the reaction being so strong. Looking back I think he was just upset that I wanted something he wasn't providing and it made him scared.
He knew he hurt me, but it was a while before I could talk about it. It was a while before he experimented with spanking. When he did start, it was tentative at best. I was dying to give him direction but was scared he'd stop.
Our road to spanking was long. We've been together going on 12 years now and we are just starting to get into a comfortable place with spanking. It was this past year that we've made our biggest strides. The reason for the turn around? I have no idea. I kept the ball in the air. I praised when he did something I liked. I started asking for them and he'd tease me with a little and then deny me. He only spanks me if it's his idea. The man likes control in the bedroom.
When we hit the ten year mark of our relationship I was really sick. Immune system failing, organs atrophying sick. Things changed that year. Mundane arguments decreased. Our level of communication and understanding increased. My husband has always been loving, but I felt cherished in a way I hadn't ever felt before.
Last year, when I started getting better, it was like he needed our sex to be playful and upbeat. He
needed me to be giggling and gasping every time. Spankings became a regular thing then.
Now he points out paddles when at the store and gives me an evil grin then pats my bottom. Now I get playful spankings, aggressive spankings, and the kind of spankings that turn me on beyond reason.
The other day I asked him to write a check for our son's school. He put it on his desk. I went in there and was leaning over his desk stuffing the check in an envelope and labeling it when he came in and asked, "Did you find the check?
I smiled at him over my shoulder and said, " Yes. Thank you," and kept writing. Before I knew it he had a hand in the back waistband of my pants and he says, "Say it again."
Perplexed, I look over my shoulder, "Thank you?"
Whap on the right butt cheek. My eyes go wide staring at his stern face when he again says, "Say. It. Again."
I bite my lip. "Thank you."
Whap on the left butt cheek.
Again and again he commands me to say it, and again and again I say 'thank you,' followed by the thrilling
whap. Left, right, left, right. Over and over. I could feel the zing of the spanking coursing through my entire body. My knees were weak, my breathing went erratic and my panties were past damp.
I could have orgasmed from just that.
Then my son calls from the hallway, "Are we going to the store or what?"
Bang, bang, bang goes my head on the desk as my husband groaning says, "Yeah, we'll be right there."
I really wish we had come to our place of understanding with spanking during the years we were childless.
I thought long and hard about all the books out there that I could recommend for the people who want to bring up spanking. Domestic Discipline stories, couples communication non-fictions, BDSM Dom/sub journey type books and books on bringing up kink. They all can bring something to the table. The thing is, it's a crap shoot. Who would have thought my husband would have had such a horrible reaction to me asking for a spanking? You just have to throw it out there, as tactfully as possible, and hope for the best.
If you are someone that's been thinking about bringing up spanking, what are you waiting for? I warn you, it may not turn out exactly how you imagined, and the spankings may not be all you'd dreamed of at first or second, but you'll never know unless you put it out there.
I can feel it. ;)
