Monday, October 7, 2013

Terms and Conditions

 A while ago I wrote a post, The Couples Rut, all about how to comfortably and openly discuss your sexual wants and desires with your partner in non-confrontational ways. That discussion can be difficult no matter what kind of relationship you are in. The last thing I suggested was watching different informative videos together to see what sticks.

The video I used as an example, Guide to Kinky Sex for Couples by Tristan Taromino, is one my husband I sat down and watched together a few years ago.

In this video Tristan Taromino walks you through different aspects of kink in four sections. Each section delves a little deeper into light BDSM. The couples, who are porn stars, share their explanations in interviews. Then they play out each segment of information in full  penetration 20-30 min clips.

Although my husband and I have already surpassed everything on the video and then some, it was fun and extremely informative.

In fact I wish this was the high school graduation/pre-college sex-ed video. Let me explain. At around ten years old you get the sex-ed puberty video. We all remember that horror show. I'm sure you also recall the Don't Get Your Girlfriend Pregnant / STD sex-ed video played to unfortunate students entering high school. For me, it feels like it would be the natural progression of things to show this one to the eighteen to twenty something crowd.

Teaching kids everything and nothing since 1913

But I digress.

There wasn't anything new to me in the guide, in fact at one point my husband rolled his eyes and asked if there was a intermediate to advanced guide, but then something very illuminating happened. My husband, who is dominant and has kinky streak a mile long, discovered there are terms for certain facets of our relationship.

He found out what he does to me in and outside of the bedroom is considered BDSM, and he would be deemed a Dom in some circles. It also kind of freaked him out. He had never heard the terms and conditions of BDSM spelled out before. Even in the most basic form.

Sure he knows what a safe word is, but definitions for things like Dom/sub, Top/bottom, and Power Exchange were completely new to him. At one point he paused the video and turned to me and said, "I'm a dominant.... I'm a Dom." He sounded surprised and he looked concerned.

It was clear he did not like knowing this about himself. Not at all.

I was shocked. It had been a revelation on both ends. I thought he knew. I have a gift for saying the wrong thing, so I worked on not saying anything while he was having a Ah-ha moment.

At this point in our relationship we had been together eleven years and some of the stuff he did to me (still does) could be taken straight out of a BDSM novel. He'd just been doing what he liked to do. With one informative video what he liked to do was warring with his preconceived notions of BDSM.

This was before FSOG made BDSM mainstream, but I'd been reading erotica and BDSM books since Clinton was in office. I knew the terms and conditions of BDSM. What's more, I'd living out naughty scenes in many sexcapades with my uniformed, kinky husband for years. I naturally assumed his entertainment rag of choice Playboy covered things like BDSM terminology.

I was wrong.

My husband had attached quite a few stigmas to BDSM. While he was completely fine considering himself kinky, he was considerably less comfortable finding out he was into BDSM. Again, this was years before BDSM was in vogue. All he'd known of BDSM was from porn. Short, daunting clips of porn. I'd tried to tell him that most of that stuff is the extreme hard core version of the lifestyle, but from his reaction I'd surmise it hadn't gotten through.

We had some discussion, but like I said he was a little freaked out and I backed off. Putting labels on things can do that. Getting comfortable with your sexuality and the spectrum of what you're into is only step one if you are in a couple. Step two is letting your partner know what doors are open, then accepting the parameters of your relationship while letting your partner's sexuality grow at their pace.

I had to let him digest what he had just taken in.

We had almost two kink free weeks, in which I almost regretted watching the video. I know he needed to process, but waiting patiently isn't something I'm great at.  Luckily, he didn't take too long to sort himself out, and when the kink started back up again, it started with a vengeance.

Overall I think the video is great for easing into kink, and for someone who doesn't know any terminology whatsoever. Watching the interviews and explanations first and then watching the dirty stuff may be a good idea. The video goes by quickly, but a big chunk of the three hours is full penetration examples.

Know that these types of videos and discussions may lead down unexpected roads.

I just thought it'd be fun

All this, because we watched a kinky porn guide. Personal growth is often in the least likely places.

Opening up communication with your partner can be nerve racking. For some fun, helpful idea please click Couples Rut .


  1. That is beautiful. My husband loves porn-- I think that video could be fun for us! Thanks so much for sharing your story!!!

    1. I hope you enjoy! Like I said, it really is tame but informative for the BDSM novice. And it may stem unexpected conversations! ;)