Wednesday, May 15, 2013

What's Your Kink?

Kinky? Who, me?

Honestly, I thought anyone who enjoyed sex was kinky. I was well into my twenties before I found out that there are what are known as vanilla people who enjoy sex and non vanilla people who enjoy sex. And the vanilla part has nothing to do with race.

Did you know not everyone enjoys being dominated or dominating someone else?! I for one was shocked. And spanking, yep, not everyone is into that.

A ton of girls don't like to be spanked, tied up, or having their nipples manhandled. They feel like certain sexual positions are demeaning and owning a vibrator is the most risque thing they've ever done in the bedroom, and that was by themselves.

I know. That's super f^$#ed up.

I talk to so many people that have done things way beyond my experience level--and read about so many things that are way more everything than what I do at home--that I often forget that I'm not even close to being vanilla. Sure there are tons people way kinkier than me. Hey, I don't even swing or go to clubs, but I'm still a low level kinkster at the least.

There is someone for everyone. A girlfriend recently told me this guy she was with kept switching up positions while they were having sex, and it made her feel like a whore.

Can we talk about this? I'm yellow.Yellow!

I hear that a lot. Girls complaining that something their boyfriend does makes them feel like a whore. That's a big sign he's not the one ladies. That guy has every right to be into something as you have a right not to be into it.

Most of those things that made my girlfriends feel whorish, my husband has done to me and I've loved it. No whore feeling. My husband loves getting me in all kinds of weird positions (usually ones I can't move in) then as soon as I climax he changes it up to another. It's one of the many reasons I married him.

I hope my girlfriend finds the guy that can get her there without making her feel like a whore. I also hope her switch hitter finds the gal that likes to be turned about.

Honestly, I think with the right person the things you never thought you'd be into may sound more appealing just because you are so into the person you are doing them with. That was certainly true for me.

It seems like everyone's got a kink or their own idea or 'normal'. Finding someone whose idea of 'normal' jives with your own is like finding a needle in the haystack.

Some people settle or aren't a hundred percent honest with themselves and/or their partners. Many times people evolve and change while in a long term relationship and that person and their partner just can't find their way back to each other.

My husband and I met in our early twenties and have changed quite a bit. We've grown in different ways at different time and haven't always been on the same page but we've always made our way back together. I haven't been single in eleven years and I'm perfectly happy with that. Not everyone is so lucky.

Dating is hard. One of my younger girlfriends just got out of a five year relationship. The last time she was really single she was twenty one. She called me complaining that being single was so boring. She didn't remember it being this way. She figured she'd be dating a different guy every weekend and having all kinds of fun sex.

Yeah, right. Maybe in the movies. In reality typically the guys you're into aren't into you, and the guys you want nothing to do with think you are their soul mate.

On top of that, over twenty five dating is different, I think now more than ever. Everyone over twenty five has got their own agendas, five year plans and/or extra baggage.

What is more, society and social norms are changing.

Sometimes I watch dating shows for the same reason scientist feed lab rats things and watch them kill each other. It's fascinating. You can smell some people's desperation and crazy through the screen. (For goodness sakes ladies, tone down the crazy.)

One show I was watching was out in California. I'm sure many of them are. You know if you are dating in a big city all the rules change. The singles options are endless and what's considered vanilla dating broadens exponentially.

This girl was on her third date, with this guy she was really into, when he dropped the bomb. He's married but in a polyamorous relationship. His wife had a secondary relationship with another man and him and his wife used to have a shared girlfriend that didn't workout. He was dating her as a secondary relationship, and also in hopes of finding a third for his primary relationship. Him and his wife wanted to find the woman of their dreams.

...I'd buy that book.

As of 2009 there were a polled 500,000 polyamorous relationships in the United States. I got that from Wiki facts. I have no idea where they took this poll but I think it's spectacular.

Polyamory itself is a umbrella term because there are so many variables. In the above case the wife and the husband wanted another women, but didn't share the side boyfriend. Some relationships the couples don't share at all. Sometimes it's a couple looking for a man to share, sometimes two men looking for another man or women to share. Sometimes it's more of a swinging thing. 

This polyamoury also includes polygamous unions of polyynous; a man with multiple wives and polyadrous,; a women with multiple husbands.

I have a friend that has been in a polyamorous relationship with his bff and his bff's partner for seven, eight years now. It came about quite by accident.

 I'm personally all about the polyadrous type of polygamy, but my husband keeps vetoing that one.

But she looks sooo happy!!!

With those kind of options I would think dating while horny turns out like grocery shopping while hungry. You end up with way more than you intended to get and you have no idea what you're supposed to do with all the extra.

How would anyone especially newly single ladies even know where to begin to navigate these kinky waters? Do not despair my single ladies of many varied sexual tastes. You are not alone. To you ladies I present, The Kinky Girl's Guide to Dating by Luna Grey.  

Luna Grey takes you through her friends dating mishaps inside the BDSM world. She tells stories from Maddie a sub and reluctant switch, as well as Suki a Domme who just wants to paddle men's asses. Their stories range from the mistakes they made just starting out to the mistakes they made as season pros or as Maddie refered to herself, a spinster sub. 

Peppered through all these tales are Kinky Girl Tips. Some of these tips are humorous and some are downright musts. 

At the beginning of Cherise Sinclair books is the a Safe Sane and Consensual reminder. I've always read this and rolled my eyes. The sane has always been a no brainer for me. I think everything through. Who wouldn't be careful and think things through? Who would ignore their instincts? Oh, right, everyone, including young single me. 

Reading this made me remember all the really stupid, really unsafe things I did and choices I made when single and horny. Sanity was not part of the equation on many occasions. 

I met guys online. I left parties with men I didn't know. I went off with men who didn't speak English, and ended up in places that were not good at all (without a cell phone, in another country). 

Did I ever set up a safe call?! Did I ever tell anyone the name of who I was with or where I was going? Maybe.Once or twice. Probably not. I'm amazed I'm still alive. 

Luna also talks about what it's like to date as a BDSM player and the trials of fetish wear. (I fear PVC and Latex!) I vanilla dated but found I had many similar experiences as these women. No crying transvestites or bull whips but other stuff...

I also I found it interesting that BDSM vanilla plain clothes dates are a 'getting to know you period' where you decide if your kinks mesh and if there is any kind of spark. If so negotiations for play are set up. In these negotiations you talk about just wanting to play or wanting more than just a scene every other week. 

Some people just want to find their Dom or Sub that is right for them. Some people are looking for a soulmate whether they be Dom, sub or vanilla and some people are looking exclusively for a play partner with no strings attached. 

I have to say, I had my own rules and guidelines of dating that were no nonsense and I love the practicality of the BDSM set up. I personally never dated a guy for more than three months if I couldn't see it going anywhere. I had fuck buddies, I knew I would never want a relationship with, I saw between boyfriends. I was always very upfront and honest if I was feeling a connection or not.

Why can't everyone be this honest? And that's what I got from this book. BDSM relationships are really honest. I think the BDSM method would have worked well for me when I was single. I may have even gotten into the spirit of fetish wear and gone to the clubs. 

Who doesn't look good in a frilly corset?

But none of that leather, PVC and latex. I feel suffocated thinking about it.

See? She's having trouble breathing and she barely has anything on!

Okay, maybe it was for the best I never went there. I was never really a joiner anyways. Plus, with my luck I would have gotten into an unhealthy 24/7 relationship with some nut job Dom. I really liked for a man to take the reins (all the reins) when I was younger and I made really poor decisions. Quite the combo. 

I think everyone should read this that is single. Even vanilla girls. I think setting up dating like meeting a potential play partner could save some heart ache. Vanilla people beat around the bush to no end. I just don't get that. 

I also think new Doms should read this book because it's an insight into the minds of the women they are going to be playing with. Luna talks about the many times communications are misinterpreted and these women end up in undesirable situations. Bottoms and tops. 

Being into BDSM, fetish, or just plain old some type of polyamory really requires a different mind set. All through this book Luna talks about fantasy vs. reality. You may have been dreaming about having a menage fling or relationship forever, but then find that the real thing wasn't nearly as fun or uncomplicated as you had hoped. 

You may be reading all the fabulous BDSM books with the hot Doms that make your panties wet only to find yourself feeling cold and detached by the real thing. 

No matter what, keep an open mind. Love can strike anywhere, but don't try to fit a square peg into a round hole. It's okay not to be into something you thought you would be. It's also okay to be into things you never thought you would be. 

Remember to keep it Safe, Sane and Consensual

Thank You Luna Grey!

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