Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The Girl With The Penis Cake Mold

You may not know this but I'm the go-to penis cake girl. Girls night out, birthdays, break-ups, just because--I'm the person others ask for penis cake. I'm kind of known for my penis cakes, and I'm not sure how that happened.

Many years ago I bought a penis cake mold for a "Mommies Night Out" party. This was the kind of get together where sleep deprived, strung out, women gathered to drink too much--and get silly as possible--in the limited amount of time allotted them before their husband calls with a crisis he is incapable of handling.

I remember my husband rolling his eyes while I was baking the penis shaped pastry. I asked him if he wanted me to save a piece of penis for him. He huffed, "That is so wrong. No, I don't want any penis cake."

Fast forward eight years later. Now when I ask him if he wants me to save him a piece of penis cake I get a resounding, "Hell yeah! What kind you making?"

I've ruined the man. He is impervious to my penis shaped baked good and no longer able to be shocked. Not by me. He's been with me too long.

The penis cake mold is a great investment if you have the kind of friends I do. It's truly the gift that keeps on giving, and a source of constant juvenile entertainment. What you may not know is; it's really hard to bake a yummy penis cake.

The reason being, the cake pan is extremely shallow. (I could make a pop-culture joke but I'll refrain)

If you use a mix (no one will judge you for using a mix on a penis cake) only about half of it will be used on the cake. You'll be able to get roughly nine cupcakes, or a 9'' round cake, from the remaining batter.The penis will need to stay in the oven longer than the cupcakes. Despite the pan being shallow, it takes the balls and shaft a bit longer to bake all the way through than the head.

Keeping the penis moist is key to a good experience. 

This makes the use of apple sauce extremely important. If you use a mix, at least 1/2 a cup of apple sauce should be added. If you make from scratch (look at you Betty Homemaker) add around 3/4 cup to 1 cup.

You do not just want to make a penis cake. You want the recipients to gleefully orally assault the penis cake while making yummy noises.

Happy Penis Cake Baking!

I bid you adieu, for now. Until next time.


  1. I just snarfed my coffee!

    It is important to keep the penis moist!

    I think we need to get together and eat penis cake...

    1. We do. It's a bonding experience. Once you've eaten penis cake together...

  2. Who doesn't need penis cake? I'll make the paleo version, you guys will love it...

    1. Penis cake for everyone! They should have all kinds of penis cake. Next penis cake fashioned after famous statues. Statue of David could be petitfores!

  3. This is like the most awesome post I have ever read. I want a shallow penis pan now. <3

    1. Everyone should own a penis pan for those special moments in their life.