Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Tankini Season Already?

Not all bodies were created equal, but somehow all swimwear was created equally torturous, no matter the style. Yes, I would like to take a moment to break away from sex and literature to address my major sore thumb of summer.


I hate swimwear. I hate it hard.

I hate it more than when I'm out in public and my undies lodge so far up my crack I need to call in search and rescue, and have to face the big decision; do the major pick, or act completely natural.

I'm an average size. Some women would love to get down to it, some women strive to stay under it. I'm the somewhat chubby version of my size, and I'm cool with it. I love cheese burgers more than jogging.

I recently saw a woman on American Ninja Warrior who was exactly my height and weight, and all I could think was how her body was the aggressively enhanced version of mine. That's what I would look like had I spent four hours a day, five days a week, in the gym.

She was like a coiled spring, all streamline muscle meant for speed and endurance. I'm slightly doughy. My muscles are meant for dog walks and plowing through the FroYo line at Lovin Spoons, while holding shopping bags. There's nothing wrong with this. It's just not very flattering in the unflattering material of swimwear.

It's not like my body is horrible, or that I don't like my body. In fact I love the skin I'm in. It's how the swimsuit makes my body look I don't like.

Bra and pantie combo? I'm looking good. Naked? I'd definitely fuck me.

Bikini? Holy crap, what the hell happened? Why is it sagging there? And why is it pinching in there, and there, and there?!

It's like the suit is smashing all the good stuff and squeezing it out the top and bottom like a broken tube of toothpaste.

Had anyone told me I'd be more confident wearing a bikini at 160 lbs, than I would now, I would have scoffed. But it's true. When I was 160 lbs all my lumps fell in the right places. I was all smooth and round, and I rocked a bikini to the best of my ability.

In fact I've seen women at a size 18 look amazing in a bikini.

Now a days I wear a smaller dress size, I tend to look pretty decent in clothes--humbly speaking--and at least five years older in a swimsuit. My lumps and bumps do NOT fall in the correct places. And I've sworn off bikinis altogether.

For the last eight years swimsuit shopping has been hell. It's deteriorated into me getting fed up and buying horrible swimsuits, that in no way flatter my body.

Suit 1. I got suit 1 six or seven years ago. It's pin up cut, amazingly flattering. It probably looks the best on, out of all my suits. It was $109 on sale, so I'll have it until I die or until it disintegrates, whatever comes first. Flaw?

A few months after I bought this suit, the Season 4 DVD Cover for the show Weeds was released. Seem familiar? Yeah, it's the same motherf*cking suit. So every time I wear it no less than five jackasses come up to me to ask if it's the infamous swimsuit from Weeds. And every time I want to scream "I had it first!! Me! I-f*cking-had-it-first!!!" <eye twitches>

Yeah, other than that, it doesn't bother me at all. 


Suit 2. The sporty tankini, aka Mommy Suit. I got this four years ago. This is a decent fit. It comes up and gives me a sports bra tan line, but I still like it. I got it online for a decent price. Flaw?

It's just a top, so I've bought five different black bottoms so far trying to get a match that looks good. Right now I'm wearing ill fitting uncomfortable bottoms with it from Old Navy, underneath athletic shorts. Also, I'm broad shouldered and chested so some times the side hits me just right to give me that side boob, armpit roll.

In fifty years I should be able to puff out this skin roll as it will eventually evolve into bat wings. If I'm lucky.

Suit 3. I decided I was going to get a one piece that flattered me, and wasn't infamous. After being disappointed with the pricey one pieces in my size I decided to get two new dresses, and another tankini I hated instead. It's cute, but I have mixed feeling when I put it on. I bought the matching bottoms in bikini cut and boy cut. Flaw?

I bought while I was on a health and fitness kick and four pounds lighter, and slightly high from Annie Pretzel fumes at the mall. The top is a snug fit, so it's really unflattering on my poochy days. Also, my husband told me the boy cut was more flattering of the two bottoms, but I needed to be aware of the dangers of camel toe.

Ugh. Thanks MensHumor.com for making my husband super aware of camel toe in correlation to yoga pants and boy cut shorts. I haven't yet gotten camel toe    though I wear yoga pants and boy shorts a plenty    but now I'm constantly pulling at the front of my pants and boy shorts like I'm three and need to go potty.

Thanks for the complex, honey.

Suit 4. In a last ditch effort to find a one piece    it's my Everest    I went online and fell in love with no less than five different swimsuits. I was even willing to suck it up and pay the hefty price tag for one of those suckers. I wanted something conservative, and timeless. 

Alas, none of them were available under size 10. Apparently you don't need a flattering swimsuit if you aren't considered "plus size". 

Disgusted and discouraged I picked this one up on clearance at Macy's. Flaw? 

Again it's only the top, but it was $15 and frilly. I picked up black boy cut bottoms from Target. Again the seam is right down the middle making me very camel toe aware. Also, the ruffly frills are not in any way flattering on my wide shouldered build, at all. But for some reason this suit makes me happy. So, I will wear my $15 frilly suit and boy cut bottoms--I pull on at the crotch--with a smile on my face. 

Suit 6. This is my I-just-can't-quit-buying-swimsuits suit. It's my most recent purchase and I got it at Walmart. Yep. You may have noticed the progression from expensive to I-don't-care-anymore pricing. I got it while picking up dog food and Nutella. I glanced over, gave it a "Yep, that'll do," and threw it in my cart. 

Did not try it on. Did not even glance at the price tag--cause, you know, Walmart. I checked the size and put it in the cart. That's all.

Flaw; It makes my tits look a little sad. But my tits are a little sad. And by sad I mean non-existent. Other than that this suit has been a pleasant surprise. I've been against the bikini skirt 'mom' look. I'm glad I stopped fighting it. These bottoms may be my favorite bottoms of all my bottoms. They're just so frickin flattering. The bikini skirt is form fitting yet flirty. It barely covers my ass yet manages to cover my most unflattering bits. I don't know how it achieves such magic, but it does.

I know there's an entire movement right now about "not caring" and just rocking what you got. I'm doing it my way in a tankini and bikini skirt. Am I doing it right?

The weather has already shifted to being upper 90* and steamy on a regular basis. I'm going to wear my suits and hope I don't go viral on the internet when some crappy teenager snaps a pic of me pulling at the crotch of my boyshorts. It's just about too hot to care.

Have fun slapping some lycra on. It's that time again! 

Happy beach going everyone! 

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