Thursday, June 4, 2015

I Made A Sex Tape

Yes, you read that correctly. I made a sex tape. Not by myself. My husband was involved. And I know you're not supposed to make sex tapes. I've seen the movies. I know making a sex tape leads to said tape being switched out with the video your kid made for his science fair project. I know that.

Yet, I still made a sex tape.

I'd been viewing those clips on tumblr--those fantastic porn gifs that are just hot action shots set on repeat-- and it got me thinking; what does my stuff look like in action? What do I look like in action? Sure, this is a question just begging for trouble. This is definitely an experiment that can backfire in a grunting, jiggling, sweaty mess. That was actually what I had prepared myself for.

That's right, I was prepared to be horrified by what I saw on that tape.

As it turns out, when I finally viewed my husband and I's business, in all its functioning glory... I was impressed. And pretty turned on.

Watching the video made me more secure with my body and my vagina than I have ever been in my life. I've always been pretty self conscious about my vagina and never felt it measured up to other women's superior vaginas.

I know that's totally stupid thing to be hung up on. Vaginas are like finger prints. No two vaginas are exactly the same. And my husband, well, let's just say he's a big fan of the thing just the way it is. There's even a whole body positive movement to help women be more secure about their vaginas. Large Labia Project

But I still wasn't happy with mine.

Some women are self conscious about their ass, or tits, or having wide arms. I felt weird about my vagina. Even though a very limited number of people see it on any kind of regular basis, it was my big hangup.

When we hit play on the video I was actually cringing just at the idea of seeing my vag. looked amazing.

I'm not sure if my husband's just really good with the camera or my junk is especially photogenic. Or both.

My goods looked great.

The sex while making the tape wasn't especially wild. I think we were both a little self conscious. There was definitely a hotness factor in recording and knowing we were being recorded, but it wasn't the best sex ever.

What came after we watched the video was however the best sex ever. There was something about it that revved our engines and made us lose all inhibitions in some no-holds-barred-dirty-talking-ass-slapping-tie-me-up-hold-me-down-take-me-against-the-wall-break-the-headboard kind of loving.

After all that we deleted the video. Or at least I did. I hope to hell my husband didn't forward himself a copy that's going to end up being a mass company email.

Fingers crossed.

Luckily, no 'face shots' was my number one ground rule for making the video. So at least no one will know, know, it's me. Right?

Anytime you make a sex tape you're rolling the dice, but now I get the appeal. For me it was worth it. And if the video somehow gets viewed by the PTA instead of the "Magic Moments" video of our kids, at least I know we look good in action.

And no, I'm not sharing my video.

I know. But if you're that hard up to see some hot action you can always check out some tumblr porn. Just be careful. You may find yourself inspired to do something rash, or impractical, like film yourself having sex.


  1. What about the cloud??? Do you have a cloud? From what I hear that's what gets you into trouble. Also, even if you weren't already before, you are now my hero!
    I'm sure you have a lovely vagina, but I am glad you have proof now :)

    1. Damn the cloud!! I always forget about that thing hovering about, collecting data. We may still be in live action on the cloud.

      At least we'll have something to reminisce with when we're older. ;)